The Relational Bank Account: Are You Making Deposits or Withdrawals?
Written by Ryan Greenwood
The Relational Bank Account: Are You Making Deposits or Withdrawals?
Why Relationships Need More Than an Occasional Balance Check
Every relationship—whether with your partner, friends, family, or coworkers—operates like a bank account. Instead of dollars and cents, though, you’re dealing with trust, intimacy, and connection. This is the concept of the “relational bank account,” and just like with a financial account, the goal is to maintain a positive balance.
But what happens when you’re making too many withdrawals and not enough deposits? Let’s explore how this metaphor can transform the way you approach your relationships.
What Are Deposits in a Relational Bank Account?
Deposits are the small (and big) actions that strengthen trust, deepen intimacy, and create a sense of safety within a relationship. They say to the other person, I value you, I care about you, and you matter to me.
Examples of deposits include:
Expressing gratitude: A simple “Thank you for being there” can go a long way.
Active listening: Putting down your phone and giving someone your full attention.
Acts of kindness: Doing the dishes without being asked or picking up their favorite snack.
Keeping promises: Following through on what you say builds trust over time.
Spending quality time: Prioritizing meaningful moments together, even if it’s just a quick coffee date.
When you consistently make deposits, your relational balance grows. Trust becomes the foundation, and the connection feels strong.
What Are Withdrawals in a Relational Bank Account?
Withdrawals, on the other hand, are actions that erode trust, create distance, or make the other person feel undervalued. Withdrawals aren’t always intentional, but they can leave a lasting impact on your relational balance.
Examples of withdrawals include:
Breaking promises: Even small broken commitments can chip away at trust.
Being dismissive: Brushing off someone’s concerns or feelings.
Criticism or defensiveness: Responding with blame instead of empathy.
Neglect: Failing to prioritize the relationship or take time for connection.
Emotional unavailability: Being closed off or unwilling to share your feelings.
When withdrawals outweigh deposits, the relational account can become overdrawn. This might lead to resentment, distrust, or emotional distance.
Why Balancing Deposits and Withdrawals Matters
Think about the relationships in your life. Are there some that feel strained or distant? This might be because the withdrawals have exceeded the deposits. Fortunately, you can turn things around by making consistent, meaningful deposits to rebuild trust and connection.
Tips for Keeping Your Relational Bank Account in the Green
Make Daily Deposits
Relationships aren’t built on grand gestures but on everyday acts of care. A kind word, a heartfelt compliment, or even a hug can make a big difference.Apologize When You Make a Withdrawal
Mistakes happen. The key is to acknowledge them and take responsibility. A sincere apology can act as a deposit, helping to repair the relational balance.Know What Matters to the Other Person
Deposits are most effective when they align with the other person’s needs or love language. For example, some people value words of affirmation, while others might appreciate acts of service.Be Consistent
Trust isn’t built in a day—it’s the result of consistent effort over time. Small, steady deposits show that you’re reliable and invested in the relationship.Communicate Openly
When you’re unsure of how to make deposits or worried about past withdrawals, don’t guess—ask. Open conversations can lead to greater understanding and a stronger connection.
When to Seek Help
If a relational account feels deeply in the red, it might be time to seek guidance. A therapist can help you identify patterns, build new communication skills, and restore trust.
At Hello Calm, we specialize in helping individuals, couples, and families strengthen their relational bank accounts. Whether you’re looking to make your first deposit or rebuild after significant withdrawals, we’re here to help.
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationships?
It’s never too late to start making deposits. If you’d like support in building stronger, more connected relationships, schedule an appointment with us at Hello Calm. Let’s work together to grow trust and intimacy in your most important connections.
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Ryan Greenwood, CPC, MA
Ryan is the founder and clinical director of Hello Calm. He graduated at the top of his class from Adams State University with a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, is a member of the American Counseling Association, and has a great passion for working with people to grow in the middle of their hardest moments. Ryan is a Henderson local, greatly loves the Golden Knights, traveling, and being outdoors. He and his wife have been happily married for 9 years.
