Who am I now? Self-Identity Post Trauma
Written by Teilani Norton
Have you ever had the feeling that after some sort of loss or trauma you didn't really know who exactly you were–or felt profoundly different and began to worry you had lost who you were, then tried desperately to get back there? This is common amongst survivors of trauma. This tends to affect the way someone sees themselves and therefore their self esteem in the long run. Like a faint echo it covertly affects the person' s view of themselves for the negative.
In this article we will explore how and why this phenomenon happens after a traumatic event, what it can be mistaken for and walkthrough what you might be experiencing. My hope for you is that by the end of this article you will have a deeper empathy and understanding of yourself–as well as the reassurance of a path forward if you decide to seek therapy for yourself.
SELF FRAGMENTATION
What is self fragmentation?--in order to understand what goes on when our brains try to move on after trauma, it is important to understand what self fragmentation is.
Fragmentation is what happens when the part of you that has lived through the trauma–and is consciously trying to avoid it at all costs–is competing with the part of you who is just trying to live your own life.
It begins to feel as if there are two drivers in one car. You are the driver behind the steering wheel following directions and trying to do the things to get you where you need to be. However, every once in a while and without warning the passenger reaches over and yanks the steering wheel. To this passenger the only thing that is important is to keep you safe at all costs, it may not know how to do that or when, but to this passenger danger never ends and so it will continue to take over whenever it feels triggered to.
This metaphorical passenger is our unprocessed trauma and this fragmentation of the self into parts happens because our brains don’t consolidate traumatic experiences into memory the same way it does for regular experiences. So instead they are filed away unconsciously and retrieved through sensory or emotional triggers (Brene Brown, 2007)-- or sudden yanks of the steering wheel.
Researchers suggest that this is why we continue to feel a sense that we are “stuck” in the moment of the traumatic event. We re-experience it through feelings and sensations stored in the body (Bessel Van Der Kolk, 2014). Until we can move past it the passenger instinctively keeps reaching for the wheel, thinking it needs to act in order to keep you safe.
Another effect of fragmentation is that because we are unable to process the memory as a part of our past, we are unable to integrate the experience of the traumatic event into the grander narrative of our lives. This consolidation is an important part of our self concept creation, since we as humans understand who we are by the stories we tell of our lives (Dan P. McAdams, 2011).
Because our brains have trouble processing traumatic events, they are stored away in unconscious fragments–disconnected experiences from the larger narrative of our lives–and since we can't process them we can't create a complete view of ourselves after the trauma.
Hyper-Vigilance
The second way trauma can affect self identity is a constant state of hyper-vigilance. since the traumatic event can’t be processed into normal past experience it is continually relived as part of our present. It feels alive in the present instead of something that happened. Because we feel the event so readily and constantly, the memory is reinforced and the traumatic event starts to define our sense of self–because we begin to feel that this traumatic event is a part of who we are–instead of something that happened to us. This creates a hyper-vigilant state our brains stay in to keep us safe.
Our brains in this scenario are similar to an overreactive guard dog. An overreactive guard dog barks at anything and everything that enters the house–even well known visitors, instead of just malicious strangers or robbers.
This state of hyper-vigilance can become our brain and body's new normal, even long after the original danger has passed because our brain wants to keep us safe from the trauma happening again.
Resolution
Both Self-fragmentation and hyper vigilance can lead a trauma survivor to act on autopilot led by the part of them that keeps them stuck in their hurt. This can leave someone feeling that they are broken or something is wrong with them since they’ve changed.
Consequently, this inner chaos makes it hard to even know yourself, since your authentic self isn't always calling the shots and it becomes increasingly difficult to distinguish between your survival self and who you really are.
All of this can logically lead to the belief that in order to heal they must become the version of themselves that they were before the trauma happened. But this can prolong suffering because it is rejecting the version of themselves that they are right now and further suppress their needs.
The version of you who exists today has grown past the version of you that existed before the traumatic event occurred. Much like a child changes as they learn more of themselves and grow into their identity, you similarly have grown past who you were in the past. Healing involves creating a new narrative of yourself–the kind of narrative that incorporates your past and respects the experience you have gained that shapes who you are today.
“Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence.” – Peter A. Levine
Books often contain chapters, but those individual chapters do not define the book in its entirety; so it is with our trauma. Trauma may become an important event, but does not need to define who we are and who we decide to become.
Teilani Norton
Teilani Johnson Norton is an aspiring mental health counselor with a focus on trauma, identity, and healing. She is currently an undergraduate intern at Hello Calm and volunteers with NAMI Nevada, helping facilitate supportive groups for individuals with lived mental-health experiences. Her passion for counseling is shaped by years of service with underserved communities and a commitment to trauma-informed, compassionate care. She plans to pursue graduate training to continue helping people reconnect with themselves after adversity.
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