Written by Ryan Greenwood

What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

When someone we care about is grieving, our natural instinct is to comfort them, to ease their pain in any way we can. But grief is a complex and deeply personal experience, and sometimes, despite our best intentions, the words we choose can do more harm than good. While there’s no perfect script for consoling someone in mourning, there are definitely a few phrases that are best left unsaid. Let’s take a closer look at what not to say to someone who is grieving and why these statements, though well-meaning, might not be as comforting as we think.

"I Know Exactly How You Feel."

Grief is a unique experience for each individual. Even if you've been through a similar loss, you can’t truly know exactly how someone else feels. Saying this can unintentionally minimize their emotions, making it seem like their grief is something that can be easily understood or compared. A study published in Death Studies (2019) highlights that those grieving often feel isolated when others try to equate their pain with their own experiences. Instead of claiming to understand, try saying, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

“But They’re in a Better Place."

While this phrase is often intended to offer comfort by implying that the deceased is no longer suffering, it can be problematic. For many people, especially those who are deeply religious, this may be a source of comfort, but for others, it can feel dismissive of their pain. Grief is about missing someone who was important in their life here and now, and suggesting they’re in a “better place” might come across as glossing over the profound loss they’re experiencing. Instead, simply acknowledge the loss: “I’m so sorry they’re gone. I know how much they meant to you.”

"At Least They Lived a Long Life."

Whether someone lived a long, full life or was taken too soon, their passing is still a loss that can leave a deep void. This phrase, while well-meaning, can diminish the grief someone feels by implying that the loss is somehow less significant because of the person’s age. The Journal of Palliative Medicine (2017) found that expressions of condolence that seem to rationalize or downplay grief often leave the bereaved feeling misunderstood. A better approach might be to simply express your sorrow for their loss: “I’m so sorry. Losing someone is never easy, no matter how long they lived.”

"Everything Happens for a Reason."

This phrase can be particularly hurtful because it suggests that there’s a justifiable purpose behind the loss, which may be impossible for the grieving person to see or accept. During times of intense pain, it’s natural for people to question the fairness or meaning behind their loss. Telling someone that their pain has a reason behind it, even if it’s not visible now, can feel dismissive and invalidate their need to mourn. Instead, consider saying, “I wish there were words to make this easier, but I’m here to support you however I can.”

"You Need to Be Strong."

Grief isn’t something that requires strength—it’s something that needs to be felt, expressed, and processed. Telling someone to be strong implies that showing emotion or breaking down is a sign of weakness, which can add pressure to an already overwhelming situation. According to The American Journal of Psychiatry (2018), those who suppress their emotions during grief often experience more complicated and prolonged mourning periods. A better way to offer support is to let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling: “It’s okay to not be okay right now. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

"It’s Time to Move On."

Grief has no timeline. Whether it’s been weeks, months, or years since a loss, telling someone it’s time to move on can be incredibly hurtful. Everyone processes grief in their own time and way, and implying that they should be over it by now only adds to their burden. The idea that there’s a set period for mourning is a myth, and suggesting otherwise can leave the bereaved feeling rushed or pressured. Instead, offer them space to grieve at their own pace: “Take all the time you need. I’m here whenever you need me.”

"At Least You Have Other [Loved Ones, Good Memories, etc.]"

Comparing one loss to what remains doesn’t lessen the impact of the loss itself. Grief isn’t about what’s still here; it’s about what’s missing. Telling someone “at least you have other loved ones” or “at least you have good memories” can feel like you’re dismissing their pain by trying to focus on the positives. The Journal of Grief and Bereavement (2020) notes that people in mourning often feel invalidated by such comparisons, which can make their grief feel misunderstood or minimized. A better approach is to simply acknowledge their loss: “I know how much you loved them. I’m here to listen if you want to share any memories.”

When comforting someone who is grieving, remember that your presence and support are often more important than the words you choose. Listening without judgment, offering a shoulder to cry on, and simply being there can mean the world to someone in mourning. If you or someone you know is navigating the difficult journey of grief, we’re here to help. Schedule an appointment with Hello Calm, and let’s walk through this together. Don’t hesitate to schedule an appointment with us today and we can work together to foster healthier, happier relationships.

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Ryan Greenwood, CPC, MA

Ryan is the founder and clinical director of Hello Calm. He graduated at the top of his class from Adams State University with a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, is a member of the American Counseling Association, and has a great passion for working with people to grow in the middle of their hardest moments. Ryan is a Henderson local, greatly loves the Golden Knights, traveling, and being outdoors. He and his wife have been happily married for 9 years.